Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
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Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then