Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
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ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
In banana years, I am bread.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
some cats are just doing for fun!
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.