Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
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me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Hank is one in a melon.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky