Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
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In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat