Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
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girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.