Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
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People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
and now we wait
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”