YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
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Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.