“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
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Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
This is the coolest video you will see today.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.