You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
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Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.