You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
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The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Lmao
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
bro what is going on at twitter
Jail
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.