2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
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Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.