“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
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“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds