You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
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torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
all bases covered
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Good morning y’all ☀️
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.