You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I’m tired tomorrow.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.