Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
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Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Me trying to look natural in photos
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet