@TheTweetOfGod: You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don't, because your job is dull and no one cares.
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@ruinedpicnic: [Friend opens Christmas present] Me: It's a lie detector Friend: Oh... I love it Me: (whispering) we'll see
@nachosarah: hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
@AbbyHasIssues: Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
@Manda_like_wine: My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said "not now" so wish us luck we're officially married.