you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
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OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Awwwww shit.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Meme Monday.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years