You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped