You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
You Might Also Like
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else