“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
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Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
sleeping beauty
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine