“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
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“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.