I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
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*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.