You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
You Might Also Like
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”