Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
You Might Also Like
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project