I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
You Might Also Like
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god