@LackOfShame: YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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@KenJennings: "This tweet isn't funny yet. Welp, better remove all the commas and capital letters! Ah, PERFECTION!" --me
@jazmasta: [Chumbawumba concert] 🎶 I get knocked down, but I get up again.. 🎶 [whack-a-mole just goin nuts in the crowd] "Aw hell yeah!"
@Proxic0n: SCIENTIST: Behold The self-esteem powered car! Come take it for a drive ME: uh okay *gets in* [CAR JUST LITERALLY FALLS APART]
@TheToddWilliams: [robbery] ROBBER: Give me all your money! ME: I don't have it all with me. ROBBER: Dang!