Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
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I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.