YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
What even happened today?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Can I donate fat instead of blood?