Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
You Might Also Like
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training