I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
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My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.