Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.