You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.