HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
The 6 types of sex
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet