@AbbyHasIssues: You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your summer cookout.
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@daemonic3: HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted HER: Oh thanks! What's in it? HIM: What do you mean, "in it"?
@all_about_today: Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I'm 38 it just sounds exhausting.
@TheToddWilliams: [deathbed] ME: Dear? WIFE: I'm here...don't worry, all your affairs are in order ME: You found out about my affairs? WIFE: What? ME: What?
@chuuew: DOCTOR: You've gained a lot of weight ME: I'm getting older and my metabolism is slowing down DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here