@AbbyHasIssues: You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your summer cookout.
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@samlymatters: MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once! MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
@AbbieEvansXO: [hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances] Dog: I guess I could protect you? Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
@iGreenMonk: Annoucement: At my funeral, all my tweets shall be recited. I will then haunt whomever leaves first, demanding honest feedback for eternity.