I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
choose your gary
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I’d love this…lol
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details