Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
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[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.