You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
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Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂