You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
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Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?