Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
You Might Also Like
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*