You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
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One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
“Don’t kid yourself.”
鈥攂irth control advert
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My dog is LIVID with me because I鈥檝e just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
you鈥檙e not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he鈥檒l never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 馃挍.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.