You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
#Caturday
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
no such thing as a dumb question
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs