“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Never forget.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey