“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
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If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.