You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
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I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
181.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing