The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
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” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.