@Schmoodles: You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.
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@withanewname: Neighbor: It's July, you need to take down the xmas lights. Me: It's no worse than your stupid yard gnome. Neighbor: That's my wife.
@gingerfaced: My current diet all ends with an S. Pizzas. Hamburgers. Tacos. Nachos. Everything that's in sights.
@KeetPotato: [gets pulled over] cop: "sir, do you know how fast you were going?" [i've swapped places with the dog] me: "answer the man"
@WilliamAder: My wife's returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.