@Schmoodles: You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.
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@VeryLonelyLuke: I adopted a rock. He just sits there and does nothing all day. It still beats raising Kylo.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that's true? WOLVERINE: Nah, don't listen to her
@Try2StopME: I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.