You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
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guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.