You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
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Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
My life in a nutshell
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?