You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
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Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.