You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
You Might Also Like
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Called it
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.