My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
You Might Also Like
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
New tinder profile pic
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.