You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
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Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.