You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
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i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
In Canada they just call them geese
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers