left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
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You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary